Somehow ...

... having a car with a monster stereo, the kind that can hurt your ears from a block away, just doesn't make it when it plays "Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday". But that's what I saw/heard today. Meethinks a baby boomer with a midlife crisis, perhaps?

Lots of New Jerseys A couple weeks ago we were visiting some friends in New Jersey and stayed at the Hilton at Metropark, which is a business office development with a bunch of fairly tall office towers (it's a business hotel, so has really cheap rates for weekend stays, and it also happens to be where we got married). When we left the hotel he would ask "Are we going back to New Jersey?" We told him that everythiing around was New Jersey, but I don't think he quite got it. The other day we were driving around suburban Boston and went past some Route 128 office buildings, and he said "Look, I can see two New Jerseys!".

Where I've been Simple but fun:
create your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks For a wonderful son, his wonderful mom, two great cats, and a great place to live. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! PS: If you aren't having a good time today (and I'd bet that a very high percentage of people don't -- it is a day that makes you lonely if not with family and friends, and often seems to lead to a lot of bickering if you are), who cares! Life isn't about holidays, if they don't work ignore them and maybe some odd day like Dec. 4 or Jan. 8 will be the day to celebrate ... who knows?

If I only had a brain I think my brain has finally conked out on me. Yesterday, going to pick up my mother in law at the bus from the airport, I missed the turnoff for the terminal, had to loop around, then turned into the wrong part of the terminal, so had to exit and go back around. Today I can't remember the root password to one of my Linux systems. I've tried all the ones I use everywhere, but no luck. Fortunately this is an old Red Hat 8.0 install that is probably going to be wiped soon, but it is still very annoying. I am off from work Tuesday through Friday this week, but I'm not sure that will be enough to restore my sanity. (Having relatives visiting usually doesn't help my sanity anyway). I could use a serious getaway, away from everything, but I don't have enough vacation time to do that and the other trips we really need to make (I haven't visited my mom in a while now). All this is on top of a sinus infection that lurks at just the level that's too mild to force me to the doctor to to bedrest, but enough to give me a splitting headache every morning. I think I need a warm place, an island, that is very quiet.

Father's Day This was my first one, and something I'd been looking forward to ever since we brought our boy home. Well, I'd like to say it was wonderful. I did get a day off from doing chores, which was nice. Otherwise, it was basically like every other day with a 2-year-old, a mixture of incredible fun, intense pain (when he landed on my nose), and general unpleasantness (such as when he refused to even think about eating his dinner). Maybe when he's a little older he'll treat me special on Father's Day, cut me some slack, perhaps. But thinking back I don't really recall that I ever really did that for my dad. Not that I treated him badly or anything, but I definitely took him for granted. Probably that was because the idea that he could be anything but a good father never really crossed my mind. If I can do the same for him I think I'll have done pretty well.

Milestone This morning me and the boy, clad in feety pajamas had some disagreements about the need to change his diaper, so I left him in his room to cool off a little. After a while he came into our room, but wearing only a diaper. So he had managed to take off his pajamas all by himself. He wants to do everything himself now, and "me" is his favorite word.

Things that make you feel old I'm sure I'm not the first to say this, but I can't listen to Led Zeppelin's "Rock & Roll" anymore without seeing a Cadillac commercial in my head. That's sad. Really sad. I'm also getting far too close to the age where guys buy Cadillacs. Oh well...

Peace? The other day I was listening to U2 and the song Peace on Earth came on. I'd heard it quite a few times before, and I remember that they played part of it just before Walk On in the first 9/11 memorial concert (a great performance). I always thought it was a good song, but I had tended to dismiss these kinds of sentiments as hard to argue with, but not really very useful. But this was the first time I'd heard it in a while, and the first time since our son came home. And these lines hit home: "Tell the ones who hear no sound Whose sons are living in the ground Peace on earth." And I realized I don't hold much hope for the world being at peace, or even more at peace, by the time he is of fighting age. And I really don't know what to do about it.

Cold, wind, sun It is bright and sunny outside, but it is also cold (25 degrees, maybe less) outside and very windy. I had planned to go out on some kind of mini-trip with the boy today, mostly just to get out of the house. But somehow it doesn't seem worth getting all bundled up and trekking somewhere since we both still are fighting off congestion. Yesterday it got warm enought to melt a lot of the snow and ice that built up last week, but today the melt has pretty much turned back to ice. I keep thinking about moving to a warmer climate, but our house, neighborhood and town are wonderful. Today, I think I will settle for the sun coming in the window.

A historic moment Tonight, the boy peed in the potty for the first time, and after he asked to sit on it bare-bottomed for the first time. For a parent, this is like being a first-round NFL draft choice -- you are in the game, now you have to reach the Super Bowl (so to speak).

The return of cranky boy Our 2 1/2 year old, after a week or so of happiness, has started being more like a 2 year old in the last couple days. On Friday he wouldn't let his mom take him to the car after a doctor's appointment (he was looking at a fish tank in the lobby), and later wouldn't leave his day-care classroom. Yesterday, he was happy most of the day but would not nap, and then around dinner time started to get very, very cranky. He must have been badly in need of sleep, because when I picked him up he fell asleep very quickly -- and slept from 6 p.m. to 8 a.m. with only a brief interruption. Saturdays are often like that -- he is too excited to nap, and then collapses. This is different that his mom and dad, who are collapsing all week long.

Motivation I am not feeling very good today, and was debating either taking a day off or working from home. Then the boy put a Bob the Builder tape in the VCR for about the 100 millionth time. OK, I'm not staying home today. Starting to wish that Bob has an unfortunate accident involving Rolly. (If you don't understand, count yourself lucky.

Me, too It just occurred to me that some people might think the rather dull stuff I write about here, and not very often either, is all I'm thinking about. Well there is a lot more, some of which might not make sense, and most of which is just too private for here. Sorry, but you are better off not knowing. As I said, it doesn't make much sense anyway.

Can this get more complicated I'd vowed to stop writing about FedEx, but I have to add this update. Today, after concluding that my first attempt to "overnight" a package to my eBay seller had been lost, I stopped payment on the money order, laid out cash for a second one, and sent another overnight letter. Tonight, the first package suddenly arrived at the seller. Now I have to explain that they can't cash the first money order, but have to wait until tomorrow for the second one. Apparently, the first package was somehow found by FedEx -- althought they never contacted me, even though I had complained about being able to find it before. And the tracking history, starting yesterday, suddenly appeared on the FedEx site. I think I need to become a subsistence farmer or something; my current life is way too much of a hassle.

A good word Since I've been slamming lots of people recently, I should put in a good word for Same Day Service. They come to your house and fix appliances, and they really come on the same day you call. Our dryer had slowly lost its fire, so my wife called them yesterday, and a rep came over and rebuilt the dryer and installed a better vent pipe. It cost a bit, but no hassels and no waiting. This is the third time we've used them and have always been impressed. The best thing is that, with both the washer and dryer, they showed up with the correct parts on the truck to fix them.

2004 Happy New Year, everyone! As for me, I slept through midnight. Or more accurately, I was planning to, until my still-not-gone coughing woke me up. I rang in the new year staring at a Web browser without my glasses, trying to buy stuff on eBay (and accidentally bidding $199 for something when I meant to bid $100. Memo: Wear glasses next time). Resolutions? I am vowing to start working out again, but I'm always doing that. More seriously, I think my main resolution is to try to not look ahead a year or five years. I need to spend more time enjoying the present, instead of bemoaning losses of the past or uncertainty about the future. This doesn't mean I won't try to fix things I don't like about my life. But I need to spend more time fixing and less time planning to fix. They say kids make you think about the future, but I think my new one is making me think more about the present. And especially, a little bit less about the past.

Peace to all And to all a good night!

The cat ate my blog entry There's a lot of reasons I haven't been posting a lot recently -- but the best excuse recently is being sick. I've been sick now for about a month and a half. Apparently a sinus infection was a lot of it, although I suspect other bugs were involved as well. I finally seem to be getting better now on a new antibiotic, and some codeine for my cough. I'm over the worst but still pretty low on energy. From what I hear and read, I'm not the only one. A lot of people seem to be getting knocked out this year for a long time. Among other things, this has given me a new resolve to make my own health a higher priority. I'm going to start working out again after I get rid of this current ailment, hopefully by New Year's. At the gym at work, I won a charity auction for a reserved locker for 6 months. I figure that will give me some incentive to use the gym!

A question This question assumes you are at least over 18. Do you feel like a grownup, or do you feel like someone trying to act like a grownup?

Hey, thanks A great Thanksgiving this year, even if I've been sick through it all. I hate being sick on holidays. And it seems like I always am sick on holidays. Stress, I guess. Anyway, my wife made a wonderful dinner and her mom and brother were here and the little one is having tons of fun playing with them. Sometimes so much that he forgets about me for a little while, which is great because it lets me sneak off and rest for a while. He's very happy with everyone around, and so am I. Something about this boy seems to bring out the best in everyone -- instead of bickering everyone is playing! This has helped distract me from a cold/flu that has made it very hard to sleep. To top it off an eye infection has run round the family. A new kid in preschool is a wonderful vector for lost of nasty germs. I hope things are going good where you are; if not, they really can get better next year, and I hope they do.

Happy Thanksgiving Sometimes in the past it coming up with a list of things to be thankful for seemed forced. It wasn't that my life was so bad or anything. Just maybe something about me. This year is different. I am so thankful for my wonderful new family. Everything else is just an afterthought right now.

Sick bay The boy was sick, my wife has been sick, and I'm now (hopefully) just getting over the same thing. We've all been home almost all week, dealing with a couple of bad nights and a trip to the emergency room for a high fever; he was fine but we had to be sure. Amid all of this were two Internet outages; one yet another problem with water in our cable splitter, the other my fault (bad router configuration). This didn't make working from home any easier. Fortunately I'm essentially wrapped up on one project and waiting to see what I do next. Amid all the hassles of this, it did occur to me that being with a sick child is one of those times where you don't have to wonder if you are in the right place. And it is so good to see him back to his old self (alternately angel and devil, often in the space of 5 minutes). Two other observations: * After watching enough cartoons, even the PBS kind, your mind can no longer deal with the adult world. * eBay can be very dangerous when you have a lot of time on your hands. I managed to do very little damage, but probably only because the little one keeps insisting on going to the Barney site.

First trick-or-treat Our little one went out with us to a few of the neighbors' houses last night. At first he didn't want to put on his Jay Jay the Jet Plane costume. But then he saw the bowl of candy by the door, and seemed to figure out what was going on here. He had a good time and saw lots of scary pumpkins. I usually don't like Halloween much, but this one was a lot better with a kid. PS: I got to try out the "nightshot" mode on my video camera. It makes very spooky looking shots (sort of like those we saw on TV from Iraq).

The white stuff Our boy saw his first snow yesterday. Not only falling, but actually sticking to the car and the ground in some places. He had to go to preschool so he didn't get to see it for very long. But, this being New England, I'm sure he'll get lots of other chances.

Good reading I like this post very much. Many of the regrets I have about my life are things undone; very few are for things done that didn't work out. I don't have much original to add -- just go read Tracy's post!

Tonight I'm in one of those moods where it seems nothing I read (blogs) is quite what I want to read. Our boy is being quite a pain tonight; he won't go to sleep and is very cranky. So I want to read things to relax but ... not a big connection happening. That seems to happen more and more often lately. For a while I felt pretty close to a lot of my blog friends (most of whom I've never spoken with in any other way); now it seems there's more distance. That may be because I've been writing very little recently. Blogging needs to be two-way to keep the connection alive. Part of it is being busy, but I think it is also that some of the things that I really want to say can't be said here. This doesn't mean my life is bad or anything; in fact it is going very well now. But that doesn't erase all the painful things of the past entirely. But you won't read them here. Neither will you read about anything bad that happens at work; I've pretty much decided it is too risky to bring anything up here, because I'm far from anonymous. I thought once our boy was home I'd share lots of fun things about him. Well, there are a ton of those things, but for some reason it is hard to share them in public, too. I guess maybe I don't want to have his life be too public until he has a chance to have a say on that. Maybe I need to find a new focus ... we'll see.

The best thing about a poopy diaper change ... ... is that everything else you do that day will probably be more enjoyable. This is of course assuming he doesn't poop again.

Where have I been If you check this space you've noticed I haven't posted anything in a while. There's no exciting reason -- just mostly exhaustion from our new 2-year-old, and forgotting anything interesting to post by the time I get time to post. But I'm not giving up here, just maybe slowing down a little

Back to work time Tomorrow I have to go back to work. In some ways the quiet of the office will be a respite from a rampaging 2-year-old. But still I find I am very apprehensive. I think the problem is that there's no spark to it anymore, no real motivation. The best part of software development is coming up with something new. It may not always work and it may not make money, but it is something new that no one has done before. That's not the way things are now -- too often we are in the business of recycling old code and designs because someone thinks it will be "cheaper" to do that than to innovate. The problem is that it won't be, and we will have all of yesterday's problems with a bunch of new ones from trying to adapt things that don't fit. I have to go to work to make money to feed the family. There ought to be other reasons. I hope there are.

Silly cat photo

Early morning I set the alarm for 6:30 today to try to keep getting myself back to a normal schedule for work, as opposed to the 2-year-old's stay-up-till-midnight routine (when will THAT end?) I'm not much of a morning person usually, but now I find I really like getting up before everyone else and having breakfast alone in the quite house. I've never liked eating dinner alone, and lunch is a great social time, but breakfast is another story -- I prefer to get ready to face the day at my own pace. I'm very groggy when I first get up, and prone to stumbling into people and have trouble doing things like making coffee if anyone else is within 10 feet; I need my space then.

The best TV salesman ... ... is a 2-year-old angrily pointing into the air where our circa-1985 TV was before its CRT died in a shower of internal sparks. My wife got that TV at Sears and it lasted a long time; oddly, giving out just a couple months after our other smaller, but equally ancient, set. The little kitchen TV had to fill in last night, but today we went shopping and got a Sony 20-incher, that should be nice and also will have some of the things like video inputs the old one lacked. I hope the boy likes it because he is quite the critic. We don't want to feed him too much TV but sometimes a Teletubbies video can do wonders to calm a tantrum.

Railway strike Yesterday at Barnes and Noble they had a Thomas the Tank Engine railway set which the boy loved to play with, so we got him a little circle of track and a few cars. Now he won't leave it alone -- right now he's refusing a snack if he can't have it where the trains are. He gets very frustrated when he can't get the trains to do what he wants. This is annoyingly like the way I am.

Postponed posting Despite being off from work it seems like a 2-year-old in the house doesn't seem to leave me any time to post here. One day's fun and frustration is quickly replaced by another. He's mostly doing OK now, but sleep is still a problem. He was asleep by 11 p.m. last night, an improvement over previous nights, but did not sleep well. None of us did, really. Yesterday we visited a house that had a Fisher-Price school bus. The family was done with the toy, so they gave it to us. So now these unfortunate plastic pupils can be added to the list of accident victims from running off cliffs and crashing into things, along with airline passengers and the woman who keeps getting thrown down the elevator shaft at the garage.

Hip hop kid The new one has a number of toys that make electronic sounds. But instead of just listening to the various kiddie phrases, he often likes to hit the buttons really fast, which sounds a lot like a DJ doing samples. Sometimes it sounds more like techno or some avant garde electronic music.

Sleepy boy Our boy likes to play hard, go to bed late, and is a very slow riser. This morning, talk and touch and lights would not wake him up around 9 a.m.; he didn't wake up until I played "Angels of the Silences" by Counting Crows, with the volume up quite a bit. I thought I was groggy in the morning. He also begs for some coffee with breakfast. I think he will fit in pretty well around here.

Home, at last We're back, with new son, from Guatemala. There's so much to say I don't know where to begin. Instead of trying to pack it all into one post, I think I'll do a series of posts on all that is going on. For now, we are all well, but tired from the trip ... for a one-day journey, a very long one ...

Complete lack of concentration In (I hope) a very few days we'll be going to Guatemala to bring our son home, finally. In the meantime, there's lots of stuff I am supposed to do, but it seems like I'm really getting very little done. It seems like it is almost impossible to concentrate on anything. I also am not really keying in on the trip itself very well -- my wife is doing all the planning. I think I'm trying to avoid dealing with the reality of new responsibilities. I want the change, very much, but just can't get my mind around it.

Child-proofing weekend Yet more excitement as I try to prevent our soon-to-arrive (we hope) 2-year-old from getting into cabinets, drawers and what-not. I bought a set of fancy magnetic latches only to find I forgot to buy the key. There is still a sense of unreality around here -- change is coming but we still don't fully believe it, still don't fully take it in. But the diaper pail is deployed, and the booster seat is ready in the kitchen ...

We are family! We came down to Guatemala for just a visit with our new son, but yesterday our attorney finally got final approval from the attorney general's office here, and the adoption is final! It will be a couple of weeks until we can bring him home; we have to wait for his new birth certificate, passport and visa. We are still in a state of future shock. To first meet a 2-year-old and find out that he really is your son in one day, in a country we have never been before, was ... indescribable. I am alternating between a lot of joy and sheer total stressing out right now. In our brief experience so far Guatemala seems very nice. The people are wonderful, the food is wonderful, and despite the horribly polluted air, I think I like Guatemala City. But there is so much to do now. I'm sure I will write much more about this for many years.

Where's the guidebook? Very soon we will be going to Guatemala, the first time we will meet our son-to-be. We had hoped by now he would be home, but things are moving slowly now in the Guatemala system, so we'll have to wait a while for that. For some reason I've had trouble posting about this. As we get closer to the trip, I realize I'm pretty scared -- not of flying or going to Guatemala (although that's a big change for someone whose only other trip outside the USA was to London) but of meeting the boy, and the foster mother. I'm not great at new situations, and this is indeed a new situation. Having not been a father before I can't say what it is like, of course, but while biological parents go through their own sets of fears and joys, they've all seen people go through this before -- if not for real, at least on TV. Adoption is different. Especially when the adopted child is a toddler. Having a baby (or adopting a newborn) you are beginning at the beginning of a story. With a 2-year-old, we've skipped quite a few pages, and we will never know exactly what was on all of them. We'll be meeting a person, with a personality. (Ironically, many people have chosen Guatemala for adoptions in the past because most of adoptions from that country have been of babies, often coming to their new home as little as 6 months old or less. That wasn't really our goal, however). Although I've seen plenty of mailing-list posts about meetings, each one is still different. His foster mom will have already been a big influence. From all we can tell, she has been very good, making the coming transition perhaps even harder for him. And before that of course was the biological mother; we won't meet her on this trip, but probably will when we go down to bring him home. I want to somehow convey to all of these people how hard I'll work at being a good father. I haven't a clue how to do that. (I meant convey it to them, but that statement is pretty much true of knowing how to be a father, too). And my Spanish knowledge is two semesters of night school, and very little speaking experience. At this time when I feel I need the most energy, I seem to be running very low. This extended wait has been wearing me down. We've got guidebooks on Guatemala and guidebooks on adoption, but somehow there's really no guide for this.

Well, OK, at least that worked

Sometimes home projects seem to take on a life of their own, as in Dr. Frankenstein's creation, I mean.

Today one actually was pretty easy -- installing a remote control for the ceiling fan in our bedroom. Yes, a real lazy person's item, but the regular switch for the fan was broken anyway, and now we have a dimmer for the light (which are extra-bright not because the new light kit also put up today has 4 60-watt bulbs -- a little too much sometimes without the dimmer).

The receiver in the remote control kit (made by Hunter) just barely fit into the fan's canopy, but it made it.

The first time I fired it up for testing -- nothing. This really puzzled me -- how could it totally not work? Turns out that the DIP switches in the unit got nudged to another channel when it was being installed, so the remote did nothing. Easy to fix, at least.

Something not so easy -- getting a SIP softphone on my Linux laptop to work. I have two -- linphone and kphone. Both receive from the other end (a Cisco ATA box hooked up to a phone), but they send completely garbled audio. I think it is a problem with the sound on the laptop. Well, the idea of this project is to learn more about voice over IP, so I guess I'm doing that ...

Lunchtime jazz Yesterday a jazz band and chorus from a local school played at our cafeteria during lunch. It was actually pretty cool. It kind of lent a homey touch to the place. It also encouraged me to want to be a parent, soon I hope. Also, the drummer kicked serious ass -- look for him in a club near you, in about 10 years....

Random thought guy This title is a ripoff of my friend's Random Thought Girl&tm;. .... It's a cloud day here, and cool, after a big rainstorm yesterday. We are so much in wait mode on the adoption now that it almost seems like life is on hold. I'm just working, studying networking stuff, and waiting. But outside these walls stuff is happening, of course. ... By now if you drop by here you probably already have read about Dave's accident, but if not drop over there and wish him a speedy recovery. This is yet another reminder that somethings you should just think about how being all in one piece and so on is something good in and of itself. On a completely unrelated note, except that it is also a Boston blogger thing, a bostonblogs event tomorrow will feature some interesting folks, you might want to drop by. ... Cats are good to have on a rainy day. A dog wants to go outside, get walked, etc. Cats are perfectly happy to flop out with you on the couch or bed. I like both cats and dogs, but cats are better on a rainy day.

Rainy day thoughts The rain is both bringing me down and calming me down a little (I do like the sound of rain on the roof on a day when I don't have to go anywhere, which today is). For me a good cure for what ails me is to drill big holes in the house and run new wires for things, and I need to do that today, so all should be well.

Road trip We got what we were after this weekend. Which was a new copy of our marriage certificate, with the official seal of the State of New Jersey, and authentication of that seal by the Guatemalan Consulate in New York, as required to solve the adoption glitch How we got it: 1) Drive from Boston to Trenton, NJ, on Memorial Day. Lots of rain on the way, otherwise an uneventful journey. 2) Stay in Marriott hotel in Trenton. Pretty new place, pretty nice. Ate dinner and breakfast there, otherwise mostly slept. 3) Get up Tuesday morning and go to NJ vital stats office. We were the second in line at around 8:30 a.m., when it opened. Get document in about a half-hour. 4) Drive north to New York City, arriving around 11 a.m. at the consulate on Park Avenue South 5) Drive car in circles looking for parking while my wife takes document in to be authenticated. 6) Get call from wife -- document is ready already 7) Pick up wife at consulate (have not yet stopped car since Trenton) and head north again 8) Get to adoption agency at Waltham at around 3:30 p.m. 9) Agency sends doc to Guatemala via FedEx 10) Go home and crash Any questions?

Kicked Well, we got kicked out of PGN. OK, that may not mean much to most of you, but we actually know quite a few people who understand this now. PGN is the attorney general's office in Guatemala, which must process all adoption applications. Ours got "kicked out" on Friday, which means we need to submit more paperwork before the adoption can be approved. It is common for this to happen, but when your application has been there 5 weeks already, this is not pleasant, to say the least. In our case, we have to supply a new copy of our marriage license. The one we submitted dated back to just after we were married, 14 years ago. So on Monday we will be driving to Trenton, NJ, to be ready to get a new copy when the state offfices open Tuesday. A rainy Memorial Day weekend ending with a trip to Trenton. Hey, it doesn't get much better than that.

Yard sale madness This morning we hit what was probably about a dozen yard sales looking for kid-related items, and that's if you count a neighborhood yard sale as one. We got some good stuff, including a fairly good glider chair for $10 and a Trek bike trailer for $125. I really wanted the latter because it will give us a nice way to get out and get some exercise with our new boy. After that we went looking for furniture for his room, without finding something we were sure we wanted. We went to the giant Jordan's Furniture in Natick (nice stuff, but a lot of it pretty pricey). If you have never been to this store, however, you have to go just to see it -- the inside has this bizarre looking New Orleans street, with a maze of showrooms off of it designed to get you lost and disoriented enough to buy something out of sheer panic. I usually hate to shop but shopping for things for a new son is a lot more fun than normal. BTW, no real news on the adoption, we hope we are close to being done but we just have to wait ...

About not being here I haven't been here (as in this blog) very much recently. Sometimes I feel I'm not really "here" in general -- doesn't mean things are bad or anything, but just that life is a little too intense sometimes and I feel the need to take a mental break from it all. There's also the contradiction -- I feel close to some of the readers here, but this is still a public space and there's a lot of things I can't talk about here easily, or at all. Blogs are interesting -- some of them spell our pretty much everything (or seem to, anyway), while others always have something going on between the lines. Sometimes the latter is true here. It isn't just privacy, a lot of my thoughts wouldn't make sense to anyone else.

Oh, the things you will find (and lose again) We're in the middle of housecleaning, a combination of getting ready for guests and (we hope) getting ready for our son's arrival. I don't like to clean much, but there is the benefit of finding long-lost items. In the last few days, we've found a ton of things I'd lost, including: 1) manual to camcorder (a new one, somehow the manual got lost about a week after we got it) 2) remote control to stereo (lost many months ago). I'm not sure I should count this because I am not positive where it is right now, but I should be able to find it quickly 3) disposable camera with some pictures left to shoot 4) a number of books I wanted to start reading but forgot about We've gotten a lot better about throwing things out, but the volume of stuff in this house is still amazing. Very little of it of course is valuable (although I have lost things like the digital camera for a few days). Unfortunately, we somehow managed to misplace a whole bag of toys and childproofing stuff we just got. Oops. And today I completely forgot that I was signed up to take a training class. Just as well, because I don't have time for it, but I fear my department is going to get billed for it. Another non-brownie-point for yours truly. They say the rich are different from you and I. Maybe they don't spend cash on tons of random items that turn into clutter. There probably is more to it than that, but it would be a start ...

The "Yikes!" List It's a list of things to do before we bring home our son. My wife calls it the "Yikes! list". It's long. I put safety bars up in his room today, so part of one item is checked off. A lot to go. But I am motivated.

Think? This quiz says that I am a Naturalist Thinker. As usual, my wife (thanks to her for the link) was surprised by that. Sometimes I honestly don't know who I am either. And sometimes I get confused between what I want to be and what I really am.

Energy zappers These are the kind of annoying things that seem to drain all my energy away these days: -- Finding out my sleep study is going to cost me $600 out of pocket, because the center was out of network, even though I was referred to it by two doctors who are "in network" -- Going to the doctor to hear the results, only to find that he didn't have the report, but wait, now they found it ... I have apnea, and now I need to go back to ... yes, the out-of-network sleep center. It will be worth it if I can finally sleep again, however. -- Getting a new prescription for my allergies, waiting 30 minutes in line just to drop it off (behind someone befuddled by not getting the refill they needed, etc., etc), only to find the drug store doesn't have it and they have to order it. -- Getting two "urgent" messages from Sears that turn out to be just telling me that the last payment on the card was late (even though I have had this card for probably 10 years and seldom missed a payment by more than 2 days, which apparently is not good enough for them).

Connections I was talking the other day about how I needed to fix up some wiring in what I hope will soon be my son's room. When I mentioned that it was an Ethernet jack, a friend teased me about our boy (who will be 2 when he comes home from Guatemala, God willing) having an Internet connection already. We explained that it was my wife's office and we didn't put it in just for him. Thing is, it didn't really seem that silly to me. At this point getting anything for him doesn't seem silly. I realize that people who already have kids tend to think differently than those who are waiting, and have been waiting for many years. I got done with the wiring tonight. Right now his room is the only one in the house with a Cat 6 Gigabit cable. Yes, he will be spoiled.

Yum

My wife is in this supper club. Everyone in it is a great cook, and they go to each other's houses and eat this great food every month or so. I don't cook, I just eat and take pictures of food.

Is it time to panic yet? Just heard today that our adoption case is out of family court in Guatemala and is now being processed by PGN, the attorney general's office in Guatemala. What does this mean? People spend from about two weeks to many months in PGN. But once we are out, it is usually two-three weeks before we actually travel -- and meet our new son. My excitement is starting to be mixed with a lot of panic. I have to figure out what needs to be done right away, in case things move fast. But I also have to be ready to wait. But somehow this is suddenly seeming a lot more real.

Happiness can be ... ... not being out in the rain anymore. Today was extra wet. I got especially wet when I went to recycle those old computer parts and walked across a parking lot carrying this big box only to discover that the recycling was outside, fairly near where I was parked. Random observation: If you want to get in a building where you are not supposed to be, carrying something big into the building is probably a good technique. Most people will let you in. If you are a thief, you didn't read that here. I like hearing the rain outside, when I'm inside. So do cats, I think...

In praise of Breadman Is a bread machine really a luxury? I used to think so. My wife (the real cook around here) certainly did. From time to time I'd look at them in stores, and she'd always say "not in my kitchen!" But this year she got sold on the idea -- not by me but my her friends on the Cooking Light bulletin board. So we got a Breadman Ultimate, and it has quickly become our favorite appliance. Right now bread is rising in the machine downstairs. I, a person who when single sometimes lived on takeout, Pop Tarts and White Castle hamburgers, am now baking bread -- or rather, the machine is. We now hardly ever buy bread from the store. The only problem is that the bread is so good, it doesn't last very long.

In need of a music fix I was just listening to a couple songs on CD by Vance Gilbert. To call him a folk artist is true but somehow falls short -- his voice and guitar work draw from influences in rock, soul and who knows what else. The CD's are fine but like Bruce Springsteen he's really best live. His songs hit an emotional chord for me -- he can tell of pain and searching but give it a feeling of joy. Fortunately, he's coming to Club Passim April 19. I think I'm gonna crawl out of my hole in the ground for that one ...

ABBA dabba do

Last night in Spanish class (yes I did go this time!) someone brought in a CD with all sorts of pop tunes sung in Spanish.

Many were cover versions, but a couple were ABBA tunes, sung in Spanish by ABBA (apparently, they sung in a lot of languages).

That group sure had a knack for pop songs that stick in your head. The following is one of them - see if you know which one.

Ya no hay mas sonrisas
todo finaliza

nuestra casa hoy vacia
me hace llorar
y la historia aquitermina
hay que olvidar

Solo tu, sola yo
poco y nada se logro
solo tu, sola yo
nuestro amor quien puede negar, paso

Separarse es tan dificil lo se, pero yo mo ire
Conociendome a mi, conociendote a ti

Maine in the snow Last weekend we went away to celebrate our anniversary. We really didn't plan on a snowstorm, but that's what there was in Ogunquit, Maine, Friday and Saturday. (Further south, it was rain, freezing rain, sleet, and what have you.) We didn't get outside very much, but we did have a nice dinner, and the snow on the rocks with the crashing breakers, etc., is dramatic. Fortunately we had a nice suite at an inn, so it was fine sitting and talking and looking out at the snow. A fireplace would have made it perfect. It normally does not snow for our anniversary, but this is not a normal year. Today, I left work early to avoid getting caught in the snow -- which so far has yet to materialize around Boston, leaving me looking like a fool (which in and of itself is not that unusual). If it is going to snow, at least let's get it over with tonight, and not foul tomorrow as well...

All wired up and no place to go If you like lots of colored wires and blinking lights (and who wouldn't) you'll love a sleep study. I had mine last night. First the technician attaches electrodes all over your head (yes, this looks very odd), and to your chest and ankles. Then you get two straps across your waist and stomach, to measure respiration, as well as a couple of breathing sensors for your nose. All this is connected with all the colored wires to the boxes with the blinking lights (which are mostly hidden inside the bedside table). Then you get to try to go to sleep wearing all of this, in a strange room of course. And you can't go to the bathroom without being unplugged. Actually, the whole thing wasn't too bad. If it looks like it might help you, in the middle of the night they add a mask to wear over your nose called a CPAP that is supposed to keep the airways open to prevent apnea. It seemed like that did help me sleep. So we'll see. More bedtimes stories later, kiddies.

Soooooo tired Really tired tonight, skipped Spanish class, I am bad ... almost too tired to write this stupid entry. It is not that I am working longer hours, but that every minute of today was busy, busy, busy. It's good to be doing intense things -- I just wish maybe I was younger or slept better or something. And it was snowing like crazy when I was driving home tonight. Yes, this is New England and it does things like that, but enough already!

Waiting still I have to work on a big-ass technical document today so I'm trying to put it off a few minutes, so I thought I'd give you an adoption update. We're still waiting. Everyone always wants to know how it is going, well, that's about it. Not good or bad, just waiting. The process just takes forever. Sometimes it is hard to deal with something that you expect to change your life that always seems far from real. But that's the way this is.

Bad radio day Do you ever have a day when you turn on your car radio and nothing there works for you? The song lyrics bring you down, you try some jazz but it still doesn't work. I don't have a CD in my car, just tape (and no idea what is on most of the tapes, which are really from my wife when she drove this car). This is mostly because the car is nine years old (pushing 100K miles). It's a Suburu, but I won't praise it because then it will break down tomorrow. Sometimes I use an MP3 player -- but sometimes I put the wrong songs on that, too. It is a beautiful day today -- as I write this I'm sitting at a table outside the cafeteria in the sunshine. But it's an out-of-sync day for me. I was running really late so I told my wife I didn't have time to make a sandwich so I'd get something from the cafeteria (despite a recent frugality campaign). Even though half asleep, she runs downstairs as I'm getting dressed and makes a lunchbag, which I carry almost to the door before forgetting. Another example of why I just suck. I want to hit rewind on today. Or undo. Or something.

Sleep I used to sleep really well. But a combination of medications, worries, and allergies seems to have done a number on that. So I'm having one of those "sleep studies" done; the ones where you go in and actually sleep (or try to) when hooked up to all sorts of monitoring equipment. The idea of that always seemed strange to me, but we'll see if it works.

A Bruce deuce

Saw Bruce Springsteen last night at the Dunkin' Donuts Center (hah!) in Providence. This was only the second time I've seen him, the last being in October at the Fleet Center in Boston.

I thought the Boston show was a great, but I think The Boss topped it last night, the only downside being the absence of Patti Scialfa who was ill.

The Arena Formerly Known as the Providence Civic Center is an old, cramped building with few restrooms and tiny corridors, and it was a pain to find parking.

But the tiny arena was perfect for Bruce. By the end of the show the crowd was almost deafening and he had it wrapped around his little finger, with a lot of help from the band, especially Clarence Clemmons who got more of a chance to work out than in Boston with songs like "Spirit in the Night".

He opened with "War" but as usual made his plea against the Iraq war as an intro to "Born in the USA".

Bruce usually does a special song for the place he's playing, and last night he spoke in remembrance of the victims of The Station nightclub fire, recalling how he'd played so many small clubs like that. And then he did "Bobby Jean" -- one of my favorites. It's a great song closing with a wonderful soulful sax from "Big Man" Clemmons (a massive weapon of musical destruction, indeed). The closing lines:

Now we went walking in the rain talking about the pain from the world we hid Now there ain't nobody nowhere nohow gonna ever understand me the way you did Maybe you'll be out there on that road somewhere In some bus or train traveling along In some motel room there'll be a radio playing And you'll hear me sing this song Well if you do you'll know I'm thinking of you and all the miles in between And I'm just calling one last time not to change your mind But just to say I miss you baby, good luck goodbye, Bobby Jean

Life often leaves us with words unsaid. Do you have a Bobby Jean?

It must be true Big Alien Cats Thanks to Tony Osborn for this link.

Cat burglar We had one of those little packs of furry mice for cats in a kitchen drawer. Our younger cat Ginger knows where the mice are kept and is always excited when the drawer (actually, almost any drawer) is opened. The last couple days she's been showing increased interest in that drawer. This morning, when I came downstairs, the drawer was open and the mouse box and the paper inserts, etc., were strewn around the living room. No mice were to be seen, but then we found about 6 of them under the fridge. So now we are trying to find out where a safe place to store cat mice is in this house, if such a thing exists.

Be informed For National Women's Month snazzycat's home page is featuring facts on dangers faced by women, a different fact with each reload. Go visit -- some serious food for thought.

Seattle Just got back from a three-day business trip there, the first time I'd been. I liked the city a lot, more than I really expected to. Maybe it was partly because it didn't rain at all -- normally unusual, but I was told they are having an odd dry spell. It was really starting to be spring there, flowering trees in bloom, and the grass very green. By most folks standards it was a bit chilly (temps in 40s much of the time) but coming from our freezing New England it felt really nice. I don't know what gives a city a "feel" exactly, but it had a good one. It reminds me of Boston in a lot of ways. (If you are in Seattle and reading this, say hi!) We went up in the Space Needle; it was lots of fun. And I took a brief walk up Queen Anne's Hill. Neat houses, many with wonderful views. The neighborhood goes on my list of places I'd have a house if I had unlimited money, along with Gramercy Park in New York, a lot of places in San Francisco, Mount Desert Island in Maine -- well, you get the idea. The flight in took me over the Canadian Rockies -- a treat in itself. So already this year after hardly traveling on business for two years, I've been to New York, San Jose and Seattle -- a pretty good run The big trouble with going to the West Coast is the damn flight back. From San Jose I did it during the day. This time I took the "red eye". Both times, my body ended up very befuddled. I get jet lag really bad and I really don't get reset for several days. As I get older I think I'm becoming more like my cats -- curling up in the same place all the time ain't that bad.

Watch cat

Ginger likes to watch TV sometimes. She seemed to like Bruce Springsteen for a while ... but then as usual she stretched out and went to sleep

Packing it in We're moving at work -- all of our offices, all of our labs. I packed up my cube today and (no surprise) I have a lot of stuff. Four big orange plastic crates of it, not counting the computers themselves. A lot of it is books. But also a lot of printouts and old notes. Some of it might be intellectual property. Some of it may be historically interesting, or useful reference. Some of it has nostalgia value. Some of it is just junk. I threw out some stuff. I know it was not enough. But I'm not good at throwing out. If you need an Internet World show directory from 1999, I'm your man.

Antidepressants and shame I just read a post from someone talking about feeling ashamed at taking antidepressants, and wondering why they should. I think its time to start fighting the idea that these medications are somehow an admission of some sort of failure. I take these pills and I'm proud to say so -- because I confronted a medical problem that kept me from being as happy and productive as I could be. I did not suffer as badly as some. I had a good job, a nice house, a wonderful wife. A lot of people would say I was a pretty "successful" person. But I was often irritable, often just really down -- and was always thinking that somehow this would magically stop if I changed jobs, got past some particular problem, or whatever. Well, that just wasn't happening. I am certainly not saying that drugs are the only solution. Counseling helps, and may be the answer for some. But for me, I am convinced there's a chemical problem, a medical problem that's not just psychological. In a given year it is estimated that 9.5 percent of the population experiences some form of depression, or about 18 million people. That's a lot of people. Sometimes we who take medication are hesitant to say so. We wonder what co-workers will think, what our friends will think. It is more common in women, but that fact often keeps men from being diagnosed. That's a really bad thing -- untreated depression has been linked to higher death rates in men from coronary disease. So I've been thinking that keeping this little secret is not a good thing. By keeping it a secret, we're not helping those people who need treatment but are afraid. If just one person reads this and finally sees a doctor and lives a better, longer life, I think that's reason enough for me to write this. These medications have improved my marriage, improved the way I deal with people, and helped me do a better job at work. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of.

I guess I just suck When people ask me questions, they demand immediate answers. When I ask a question, I usually don't get an answer for days, if ever. What's important to other people is always supposed to be my priority. What's important to me doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I feel about life like I used to playing pinball -- I suck at it, but I keep putting in quarters, hoping maybe someday I'll win.

Writing, blogging, etc.

Trish has a great conversation going about writing style, blogging style, whatever you want to call it. I should write a whole entry sometime about that, but meanwhile drop over there and check it out.

If you're having a crappy morning

You are not alone.

This seems to be one of those periods where I can't do a thing without somebody getting pissed off at me for how I did it or for doing it in the first place.

Oddly, this is not really happening at work - I think maybe that's a sign of workplace apathy - the fire has gone out of so many people that it is even hard to get in an argument with anyone (something I'm usually pretty good at).

Do you ever feel like you need a vacation - from everyone you know?

Friends?

I was organizing a ton of digital photos today, and ended up setting up a directory called "friends" - but I also noticed that I had not seen most of the people in those pictures for a long time.

I have made some new friends recently, but it seems like I lose touch with the old friends faster than I can make new ones.

I think I've tried to stay in touch with most of these people,